I AM THE UNRELIABLE NOVELIST

Help me write my feminist fairytale spy novel. (Learn more HERE.)

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Stuff I Will Be Doing This Weekend Instead of Writing This Novel

1. sleeping in a chicken coop

2. reading polygamist fiction

3. amateur chi running, which is code for flailing in a barely controlled manner as onlookers assume you are ‘differently abled’

4. commemorating our three-year hook-up anniversary with, you guessed it: more hooking up

5. NOT picking the large scaly patches of dead skin off my face (because ill-timed chemical peels really sex up the sexy time)

6. being near a beach but not on it, because actively peeling, wrinkle-obsessed nerds don’t sunbathe

7. consuming my body weight in cherries and peaches (because large quantities of stone fruit also sex up the sexy time)

8. prowling vintage stores for the table and chairs whose prolonged absence has required one of us to sit on the reading chaise (aka Yoko’s global headquarters) at every meal

9. refining my Taylor Dayne impersonation

10. feeling motherfucking grateful for all of it

Introducing the Ministers of Unreliable Gadgetry!

As mentioned last week, my spy gadget knowledge doesn’t extend much beyond ye olde belt buckle cam.

Thus I have engaged two foremost experts of uh, Imagination! to conduct all R&D for this Very Special Project: Ministers Sung and Gates. (Gates’s speciality in weapons of mass fireballs means he’s low-pro on the internet; Sung’s rep with the ladies means he’s high-pro everywhere.)

They will be reaching out to you in the coming days for your inspiration, ideas, dreams, hopes, desires.

So strap yourselves into those ejector seats, kids. We’re going for a ride!

image source: AP/Getty Images

Yes You Can!

We have a winner!

With lighnting speed, Norton guessed correctly. It is indeed the SF Armory, aka kink.com headquarters.

Email me with your address and I’ll send you your treat!
(unreliablenovelist@gmail.com)

And by the by, I highly recommend the tour. Amusing and informative!

nortonn:

vanboobsenstein:

unreliablenovelist:

the old mental hospital in the Presidio?

The Armory, aka kink.com headquarters??

Special Project: Help Me Get Smart!

I think we can all agree that my gadget talk in yesterday’s excerpt is downright pathetic:

He flipped the sensors and initiated the agency frequency.

Sensors? Agency frequency? Raise your hand if you have no idea what I’m talking about.

Do you consider yourself a tech-informed person?
Do you have an avocational interest in spy gadgetry?

Would you like to teach me the lingo? Or maybe even invent some spy toys with me?

You will get MAD PROPS and Acknowledgments, obvi. And all proverbial patent rights.

Plot Poll #16: Hear it From Neal?

Folks, I got a wild hair this weekend and decided to see what happened if I shifted the narrator from Tess’s third-person limited to Neal’s. Woah doggy! Very curious to hear what you think…

(Read the previous scene here. Catch up on the plot here or here.)

**************

The elevator doors slid closed.

Fucking hell, Neal thought to himself, relief swiftly ceding to regret. He was thankful for the security camera, as it saved him from attempting to explain. Or worse, wrapping his arms around her.

How in God’s name had Tess found this place? Had someone tipped her off? It was impressive, really. Her tenacity was one of the things he loved about her. Love. The impossible word. At least now she would give up on him.

The doors opened. One last show for the cameras and he could get her out of here. He dragged her brusquely to his car, hoping she would hear the caring in his voice, “How did you get here?”

“My friend, she…” she trailed off. Shock was setting in. He picked up the pace.

He admonished himself for having been so careless with her, selfish. Sensing his approach, the gull wing doors slid open. He placed her gently in the passenger seat. Kneeling, he tucked her hair behind her ear and stared, just for a millisecond, into her blue-green eyes. She returned his gaze. He straightened. Enough, he told himself. Get in the car.

“Is your friend still here?” he asked, trying to reinforce his words with steel. They felt like sand.

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Call her please, and tell her to follow us.” He flipped the sensors and initiated the agency frequency.

Tess didn’t respond. He looked over at her. She was already far away.

He touched her arm. “Can I have your phone?”

She handed it over without looking at him. “Kee,” she said.

He didn’t bother to introduce himself. “It’s not safe here. Follow me up the hill.” The woman tried to interject, her words frantic. This must be her English friend. Not the introduction he’d hoped for. He hung up.

The car nearly drove itself along the windy path to the tower. Having a fully surveilled national monument a few blocks away had proved useful more than once on this assignment. Neal swung the gull into a center spot, overlooking the inky depths of the Bay. The parking lot was empty; it was past the hour for young lovers.

He took her hand, willing her to hear his thoughts. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. She didn’t pull away. They stayed like that, still and silent, until a Rent-a-Cop car careened into the spot beside them. A woman he assumed was Kee came out with guns blazing. “What in fucking hell have you done to her, you asshole!”

Neal carefully lifted Tess out of the car and handed her over. “Please get her home safely. As soon as possible. And make sure she never contacts me again.”

“You can be bloody well sure about that!” Kee spat.

Neal climbed back into his car and forced himself to put it in gear. He made the slow crawl back down the hill without looking back.

Things You Should Know, Week 27

1. As always, the Shout Outs herein are accompanied by gushing tribute on the Acknowledgments Page, along with a donation made in your names to 826 National.

2. Some day I should post the bloopers from these videos, as they are far more entertaining than the intended content.

3. Ben: I forgot to tell you a) I love Roman Holiday! and b) your bespoke poem is forthcoming. I swear!

Things You Should Know, Week 26

Feeling like you wanna vote in the plot polls but don’t know WTF is going on?

Well readers (and non-readers), this week is for you!

In celebration of the unofficial more-or-less I’m-pretty sure halfway point of this feminist fairytale spy novel, I’m rolling out some New! Faster! Smarter! Better! ways to catch up on the plot.

The first is weekly videos. Henceforth, the Monday Things You Should Know posts will include my chatting head giving you all the juicy details you need in order to tell me what to do next.

In fact, this week’s installment recaps THE ENTIRE NOVEL TO DATE in a record five minutes and 41 seconds! By far the speediest way to get up to speed so you can vote on Plot Poll #15.

Tomorrow I will reveal yet another recapitude option. One the world has never seen before! (No seriously, it’s new.)

And of course, there’s always just, you know, reading. Which can be done the short way here, or the long, salacious and satisfying way here.

I can’t believe we’re halfway there. I can’t believe you’ve stuck with me this far.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Today’s Shit List

I got up late because Monday morning was stepping on my face. Oh wait no, that was my editorial assistant/cat. Either way, I missed my best writing window.

If my laptop has one more freak out, thus erasing or preventing many, MANY hours of work, I’m going to take it downstairs to whichever of my neighbors insists on using that goddamn electric saw and see if they want to vivisect it for me.

Due to a petty argument I had with my iCal, I just drove to Berkeley and back for no reason. In traffic. Both ways.

I found out yesterday that the five extra pounds making my jeans too tight are actually 9.2 pounds. (Nine Point Two!)

Which means that wine and CHEESE I was going to console myself with are off the table.

And I’m so annoyed I can’t even come up with a good closing line.

Pfffffftttttt.

Bleh.

On the Topic of Happily Ever After

One of the first visions I had for this novel was the ending. I could (and still do) see it clear as day. The beginning was more of a struggle. And the middle – well, I STILL don’t know how that clustercuss is going to turn out. Thank Cuss you’re here to help.

With the inherent ambiguity of the feminist fairytale spy genre, several people have asked whether it’s a happy ending.

To me it is. But I suppose that entirely depends on your definition of happy.

I’m curious…

What does Happily Ever After mean to you?

Plot Poll #15: Second-Guess Tess.

We have a Write-In #4 winner! Mega thanks to hot mama and fellow aspiring novelist Yarrow Kae Bucans for picking the perfect confrontation outfit:

(Official Acknowledgments to follow next week.)

Why this works: Tess has seen the crowd who frequents Neal’s place of business. She doesn’t want to stick out like a sore thumb, but she needs to feel confident in her clothes. This outfit is sexy but still posh – still very much her. In fact, it’s exactly the kind of outfit an LA girl would bring to SF in the summer.

And most importantly, it’s easily removed. Which is paramount, as you’re about to witness.

Thanks to everybody who offered their mad steeze! I love collaborating with you – you open me up to possibilities I couldn’t (and didn’t) fathom on my own. I hope you’ll keep on keepin’ on with me!

And now, on with the plot…and the voting.

***************

The scene before her was a mid-century marvel, taking up the entire footprint of the building, with a winding staircase that led to a second story. At the far end of the room was a wall of glass revealing a wide terrace and the expanse of Bay beyond it.

The drugs she had expected sat atop round mirrors, placed evenly on tables Tess identified as original Noguchi, Saarinen and Wegner. The crowd was mixed. There were buttoned-up businessmen like the assholes in the elevator. There were nervous-looking hipsters – older versions of the guys she might see at her neighborhood bar in Santa Monica. And there were foreign men – some Asian, some European – identifiable by their bizarre footwear and tacky if pricey adornment. Each group kept to itself. And each group was surrounded by willowy, mostly undressed Victoria’s Secret look-a-likes. Some were swaying to the music, others sitting on laps. Still others were cutting lines for their suitors.

“I think you’re the hottest piece in this room,” said her elevator companion, his Jaegermeister breath far too close to her ear.

“Can I help you, Friends?” offered the redhead in a thick Russian accent. It was the first time Tess had seen her up close. Creamy, almost translucent skin covering pillowy cheekbones. Pale blue eyes, sharp and piercing like a wolf, surrounded by meticulously applied eyeliner. Her lips, overdrawn to give her mouth more prominence, were glossy and plump. And all of it topped with that shocking pile of ripe Bing Cherry hair. She was beautiful and terrifying.

“You three are here together, looking for a second date? We don’t normally allow ladies from another establishment,” she said in what might as well have been Russian for all Tess could comprehend. She was about to piece together some sort of question or clarification when Neal appeared out of nowhere. Pulling Tess roughshod out of the banker’s grip, he said “I believe these two have made a mistake. This is the new girl from Mazilu. I’ll take care of her.” With that, he dragged Tess upstairs.

“What in God’s name are you doing here?” he demanded, his words barely audible and hot with anger. “Don’t answer. Don’t say a damn word. There are cameras everywhere. You do not know me. Do you understand?”

Tess was too confused to do anything but follow. As they reached the second floor landing, a man stumbled out of one of the bedrooms, nearly plowing into her. Tess scanned the room as they rushed past. The blonde girl from the night before was sitting at the edge of the bed, arms folded across her bare chest. Seeing her at close range, it was clear the girl couldn’t be older than 15.

Understanding hit her then, flash-freezing her veins. Neal wasn’t a drug dealer. Her worse-case scenario hadn’t even come close.

Neal flung her onto the enormous silk-strewn bed at the end of the hall and shut the door. He turned to face her, his back to the camera situated above the door. “Listen very carefully to what I’m about to tell you,” he said so quietly that she had to strain to hear him. “If you don’t do as I say, we could both end up dead.”

A tsunami rolled across her body, releasing a torrent of hot tears, blurring her vision.

“Do not speak. Do not ask questions. It will not be pleasant. But it’s the only option we have.” At this he grabbed the neck of her sweater and ripped it off her shoulder. She flinched and tried to shriek.

“You do not speak English. Oksenya thinks you are a newly minted prostitute just arrived from Ukraine.”

“They will expect me to have sex with you as part of your breaking in.” He had her sweater half over her head now, slipping his hand under her bra, exposing a breast. Tess howled in protest and tried to wriggle from his grasp.

“Good. Fight me. As hard as you can.” He pushed her onto her back and pried open the waistband of her shorts. Self-preservation and years of cardio kick-boxing sprung to the surface. She swung her leg up and out, knee bent, and smacked him in the jaw with the profile of her stiletto. It was enough to send him back a step. “Harder next time,” he breathed quickly, then lunged at her again, using the cuff of her shorts to pull her to the edge of the bed. She kneed him in the balls at half force, caught between the terror of her circumstances and an automatic reluctance to cause pain. He groaned but stayed put, heaving himself on top of her. Her fight response took complete control then. She scratched at his neck, aiming for his eye. Sighing in a way that could pass for desire, he pinned her arms above her head with one hand and used the other to unbutton his pants. She screamed at the top of her lungs. In her ear, he whispered, “I’m so sorry Tess.”

“Too fucking late for that,” she whispered back, and spat in his face.

He yelled something at her then in Russian. With all four of their arms above their heads, she freed one knee and this time clocked him as hard as she possibly could between the legs. With another, heavier groan, he slid off the bed and onto the shag carpeting. She popped up and tried to run for the door, but he grabbed her ankle and wrestled her to the floor. He slapped her hard across the left cheek, sending her reeling. Through the haze, she could see his face was pained. “Good girl,” he whispered. “I’m going to get you out of here now.” He yanked her to her feet and dragged her down the stairs.

The room was a blur. They sailed toward the front door in broad strokes, not bothering to stop even for Oksenya. Neal simply said in passing “This one’s not broken yet. I’m taking her back to the dungeon.”

He shoved her into the elevator and stepped in after her. As they turned around, Tess recognized Vic’s date from the night before standing in the middle of the apartment. He was staring right at her. The door slid closed.

Things You Should Know, Week 25

Welcome to Hot Lips Studio! After almost a month of steady-as-she-goes migration, my little writing office is now fully decorated, including an entire wall covered in Hot Lips by Benjamin Moore. 

Why? 

BECAUSE I CAN.

Actually, the color I was really going for was Gypsy Pink, but HOT LIPS had me at HOT LIPS.

Anyhoosy, things are going swimmingly over here. Some kickass style selections have been offered over the last couple days, most notably by readers Lisa Kitto and Yarrow Kae. Check out their mad steeze on the Unreliable Novelist Pinterest board. And don’t forget to add your own suggestions! Write-In #4 ends at midnight.

(For those of you not so sartorially inclined, you can offer anonymous opinions by giving a simple thumbs ups or down on last week’s posts.)

Very excited for the next excerpt. Until tomorrow…xx High-res

Things You Should Know, Week 25

Welcome to Hot Lips Studio! After almost a month of steady-as-she-goes migration, my little writing office is now fully decorated, including an entire wall covered in Hot Lips by Benjamin Moore.

Why?

BECAUSE I CAN.

Actually, the color I was really going for was Gypsy Pink, but HOT LIPS had me at HOT LIPS.

Anyhoosy, things are going swimmingly over here. Some kickass style selections have been offered over the last couple days, most notably by readers Lisa Kitto and Yarrow Kae. Check out their mad steeze on the Unreliable Novelist Pinterest board. And don’t forget to add your own suggestions! Write-In #4 ends at midnight.

(For those of you not so sartorially inclined, you can offer anonymous opinions by giving a simple thumbs ups or down on last week’s posts.)

Very excited for the next excerpt. Until tomorrow…xx